The Terrible Tea Tragedy
by The Neliel Tu
Summary: A terrible prank has been played on Aizen! Gin's ill, and Nel takes over arrancar research time for a night! It's chaos in Hueco Mundo!. Rated for possible future cannibalism and sacrifices to Aizen! Not the best title but better than the last
1. The Unforgivable SIN

_Magenta has crack! This story!! XDD _

_This is my random, "funny" story. _

_Be kind, as this is the first funny story I've attempted in months. I hope it gets a couple of giggles…at least. I know I giggled a little bit at parts…_

_Then again, I'm a bit touched in the head, if I do say so myself. XD_

_Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN BLEACH. I don't even wish I did. I'd screw it up beyond belief!! O.O_

_Anyway! The crack…I mean...story!!_

* * *

**WHY IS THE TEA ALWAYS GONE?**

_**Chapter One: The unforgivable SIN**_

The sky in Hueco Mundo, aside from the fake light Aizen had decided to bring with him, was a bleak and dark black.

Aizen sat in his throne, peacefully. At least, he looked peaceful to the espada who were sitting before him. _God damn it, I want some tea. _He thought irritably.

The espada looked calm, but beneath their cool, nonplussed exteriors, they were all trembling in fear of their wrathful god.

Someone among their ranks had decided it would be funny to play a prank on Aizen.

This prank involved stealing all of the tea Aizen had within the kitchens, and flushing it all down the proud toilets of Hueco Mundo.

Needless to say, Aizen was not happy.

"Now, would one of you tell me who did this?" he asked in a firm, calm voice. The espada were visibly trembling at that point.

"Could it have been an arrancar instead of one of us, Aizen-sama?" Ulquiorra pointlessly suggested.

Aizen slammed his fist down upon the table. "For the last time, no!" he yelled. "And besides that, all of the arrancar that could have possibly handled the tea have killed themselves out of fear. It has to be an espada." This was either flawless logic, or the refusal to believe that there was no scapegoat left.

"I'm hungry…" Yammy complained.

"Me too." A sleepy, droopy-eyed Stark agreed.

"As soon as I find out which one of you dumped my tea in the toilet, I will let you go and eat. But no one is fessing up!" Aizen glowered at his not-so-faithful espada.

"I don't think any of us did it, Aizen-sama." Halibel told him.

"What? Do you think it just up and dumped itself in the toilet, Halibel? Or—some mystical force did it?" Aizen countered.

"I wasn't saying that at all."

Gin suddenly felt the need to chime in.

"How do we even have flushing toilets if there is no water?" he wondered aloud. Then he clamped his hand over his mouth, remembering the whole tea incident and instantly regretting that he said anything.

There was a clichéd racket as Aizen explained to Gin how they had water even with the absence of water.

"Oh…." Gin's face took on a green hue as he fled the room.

"Once more, I ask you. Who committed this heinous crime?"

"Aizen-sama, we've been sitting here for three days without food…" The old guy complained. (We shall call him…Alberto.)

"Dammit, Alberto…" Aizen began to shake his fist, but Tousen interrupted him.

"Aizen-sama, if I may. Alberto has a point. You cannot keep them in here without food. If you do that, they will starve, and become weak. You will have no more espada, and will have even more to replace."

Aizen ground his fists into his eyes in frustration. The blind guy had a point.

"Fine. Go eat." He dismissed them with an angry wave of his hand.

Gratefully, they left.

&&&&&

Gin was bent over making an offering to a porcelain god, the offering being the contents of his stomach, and the porcelain god being an unsuspecting, freshly cleaned toilet.

"Gin-sama!" an arrancar cried out, backing off at the piteous retching sounds he was emitting.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"You're supposed to do arrancar research time in an hour!"

"I'b too sick!" Gin protested. "Find subone else."

"Hai hai!" the arrancar turned and fled, searching for countless others to replace Gin for just one show.

None of the espada would agree to it.

Aizen was definitely out of the question.

Every arrancar he asked refused.

There was NO WAY he was going to do it himself.

He stood outside in the white sand, watching the night sky.

Suddenly, a green-haired little girl began running at him. He picked her up and grinned at her.

"What's your name, ojou-san?" he asked in a friendly tone.

"Nel Tu!" she giggled. "Nel was just looking for her brothers, and Bawa Bawa! They disappeared!"

"How would you like to host Arrancar Research Time? Gin is too ill—"

"HAI!" she cried enthusiastically. The arrancar was taken aback.

"R—really? Th—thank you so much, Nel!" he grinned happily at the little arrancar girl. Finally, his search was over…

&&&&&

Nnoitora was staring at Halibel. She was walking away from him, and he was following close behind her. Somehow, she was not noticing—well, either that or she was pretending he was not there.

_Damn woman…nice ass…damn…_

She turned suddenly, as though reading his thoughts.

"How are you enjoying your view?" she smirked.

It was quite obvious from the way he was slumped over what he had been staring at.

He straightened up, unsure of what to say. _Fuck…_

"Hey, I'm hungry…" he told her.

"We all are." She replied coolly. He was not going to answer her question. "But obviously your appetite lies elsewhere…"

_How did she know?_

"And so does mine…" he could tell she was smirking from the way her eyes gleamed, and the way she was advancing on him.

"What the fuck—oh…fuck…"

&&&&&

Aizen's throne was smashed. There was nothing left of it, just dust and random little stones.

"I WANT MY TEA!!" he cried angrily, threatening to smash more things.

"Aizen-sama—please, calm down." A nervous, low-ranking arrancar begged hopelessly.

"NO!" he countered, striding straight to the arrancar.

"Aizen-sama—what are you—no! That's not supposed to come off—oh god!! UAGH!!"

Ten minutes later, Grimmjow walked into Aizen's throne room to ask him a question.

As soon as he saw the disembodied head and decapitated body of the unfortunate arrancar, he knew that things were not right with his leader. _Shit…_

The sight of the smashed throne also unnerved him. The green-faced Gin lying, paralyzed, beside the rubble of said throne made all of these feelings worse.

"Leave…Grimmjow…" Gin rasped helplessly. "He'll…kill…"

"SHUT UP, GIN!" Aizen demanded.

"Yes…master…please…don't…kill…me…"

Gin had born witness to the entire arrancar incident, and that was part of the reason he still felt the need to vomit. He also valued his life, and did not want to anger Aizen.

He was also afraid that he already had angered the godly man.

And the thought of bearing his wrath…was well…unbearable.

Aizen closed his eyes, attempting to appear calm.

"Grimmjow Jeagerjacques, was there something you wanted?" he asked in what could almost be perceived as a calm and collected voice.

Grimmjow and Gin knew better.

Grimmjow had begun to back out of the room. "Err…I think my question can wait. It's really not that important."

"Nonsense, Grimmjow." Aizen smirked. "Your questions are always important." He lied.

"Oh…" Grimmjow looked down. "Well—I uh…forgot." He lied as well.

"Forgot?" Aizen frowned, his face everything a wrathful god's should be.

"Actually…" Grimmjow sighed. "I didn't…" he folded his arms and looked away. He did not want to speak his question.

"Out with it…" Aizen was losing his patience.

Fortunately, Grimmjow perceived this and stated his question. "Okay, let's say I know this guy, right? And he's the one who dumped the tea into the toilet…well, he's REALLY afraid to come forward cause—well, he thinks you're going to kill him…what should _he _do? You're not _really_ going to kill him…are you?"

"You did it, didn't you?" Aizen narrowed his eyes.

"What? No!! It wasn't me!" Grimmjow's eyes widened in horror. He actually had naught to do with the heinous prank, and he had no idea who had done it.

"Oh? So then do you know who did it?"

"No! Aizen-sama, this was a hypothetical question…I thought that maybe if you said that you wouldn't kill whoever came forward and admitted to dumping the tea, I could tell the others, and one of them would confess…"

"Fine. Tell them that I won't hurt them." Aizen smirked.

"Huh—oh, okay…thank you, Aizen-sama."

"Here's my parting gift to you, Grimmjow Jeagerjacques."

Aizen attempted to send out a crushing wave of reiatsu to bring Grimmjow to his knees, but because of the stress he was under, it turned out to be a mere push. Grimmjow, luckily, realized what Aizen was trying to do.

He fell to his knees and made obviously fake gasping noises to convince his god.

"Now…go."

Gratefully, Grimmjow left, informing the other espada that if one of them confessed, Aizen would not kill them.

"Why the fuck would we want to confess something like that?" Nnoitora demanded angrily.

"We would rip whoever the culprit turned out to be limb from limb." Halibel said coolly.

"Let's just go into hiding and wait for this all to blow over…" Ulquiorra said.

"You really think that's gonna fucking work?" Grimmjow demanded, punching the air.

"Aizen-sama can't be serious about letting this continue…" Ulquiorra's tone told the others that he thought this whole thing was trash. Utter trash.

Yammy then walked in, frowning at everyone. "There's no more food…"

"You didn't fucking eat it all, did you?" Nnoitora asked.

Yammy wore a tragic, hopeless expression as his stomach grumbled quite loudly to attest that he, in fact, had not eaten any of the food.

"There wasn't any left…" he informed them sadly. "All of the cupboards were empty…and everything in the kitchen was smashed to pieces…"

"Do you see why hiding won't fucking work, Ulquiorra?" Grimmjow demanded edgily.

All ten espada wore hopeless expressions.

"Which one of you dumbfucks did this?" Nnoitora demanded suddenly, rising to his full, intimidating height.

"It was probably you." A very depressed looking Szayel Aporro Granz accused.

"Why the fuck would_I_ dump Aizen's tea down the toilets? Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid?" Nnoitora advanced on Szayel.

"I don't know!" he held his hands up in a helpless gesture.

"For fuck's sake." Stark sighed. "I fucking did it."

"WHAT??" the others cried.

"No, I'm lying. I just wanted to see your reaction. I'm going to sleep."

"Goddammit, Stark, I thought you were fucking serious." Grimmjow muttered angrily.

"Well…why don't you look at the quiet espada?" he hinted.

Everyone's eyes were immediately upon Aaroniero, who had not spoken a word yet.

They all looked at each other with an "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" look, then Nnoitora threw the noveno over his shoulder.

"Let's take him as an offering to Aizen-sama!" Grimmjow grinned.

"Sounds good to me." Halibel said softly.

"I agree." Ulquiorra closed his beryl eyes.

So they drug a struggling, complaining Aaroniero to Aizen.

&&&&&

Nel Tu, the adorable little arrancar, stood blankly before a camera.

"We're on!" one of the other arrancar desperately mouthed.

"Uh…uh…" Nel's eyes widened and she stumbled forward. "I'm Nel Tu! Today, we're gonna talk 'bout…" she frowned, thinking. "My awethome, broken mathk!" she tapped said "mathk" with her fist, making a ping noise.

"Great..." the arrancar sighed, shaking his head sadly.

" Thith mathk protectth Nel'th head from damage!" Nel stated proudly, then suddenly bent over and began to vomit all over the floor.

"Uagh…Nel doethn't feel thoo good." She moaned.

"Cut, cut, oh, come on, cut!!" an arrancar cried. "Nel! Are you okay?" he asked, running to the small, chartreuse haired arrancar. She grinned up at him.

"Nel'th okay…"

* * *

_Well…I suppose this is gonna be a chapter story…though how many chapters, I cannot say._

_If you thought this was even the slightest bit funny, you should review! I would love it! And I might even write more than just one more chapter if you do! XDD _

_Hope you enjoyed!! _


	2. Of steak and domination tales

_Of steak and domination tales – Chapter Two_

_YAY VIOLENCE I SAYS!! _

_Warning: Please, for the love of Aizen and the sake of everyone's sanity, don't try anything mentioned in this story. Ever. _

Much to Aizen's disgust and utter displeasure, Gin could not help emptying the contents of his stomach all over his once clean floor.

Aizen was, however, amazed that Gin still had anything left in that stomach of his. He looked closer and thought he saw a bit of crimson spreading through the vomit.

"Gin, you better go—take care of yourself…or…something…" Aizen said nervously.

"I don't think I can move…" Gin responded weakly.

"Damn it…" Aizen, in a gesture of intense frustration, gestured to a couple of arrancar. "Carry Gin to his quarters…and for the love of god, get him some pepto."

"Hai hai!" they responded obediently, lifting the incapacitated fox-faced man and carrying him away.

"This isn't the way to my room…" Gin remarked, looking around. "It's…that way…" he pointed in the opposite direction.

"We know this." They told him.

"Where are you taking me—please…not here…no!! NO!!"

"Aizen-sama, we have discovered the tea-dumper." Ulquiorra stated calmly.

"This isn't fair…_let me go." _The struggling Aaroniero demanded.

Aizen smirked and chuckled. "Well, well. You really dumped the tea, huh?"

"NO!! _I did not." _

"He's full of shit." Grimmjow stated hastily.

"I believe him…" Tousen stated softly.

"Oh?" Aizen looked at his dark-skinned comrade. "Well…I do trust your judgment, as you rarely try to steer me wrong." Aizen smirked.

"Dammit, he did it!" Nnoitora argued.

"What if he did not do it? What do you propose we do with him?" Aizen asked.

"Eat him."

Everyone turned and faced Szayel. "Eat…him?" Aizen chuckled. That was quite a thought. "How would we eat him?"

"I was thinking we could cut him like a steak. I like mine medium well." Szayel smirked.

"I like mine rare…" Nnoitora licked his teeth.

Before anyone else could inform Aizen of how they liked their steak, he stopped them.

"We'll eat him, then."

"WHAT?" Aaroniero gasped.

"Alive."

"WHAT?!"

Nel lay on the floor of the arrancar research room, passed out.

"I think she's got what Gin's got…"

"Who cares? We just got the best ratings…EVER!"

"So we should…keep her?"

"Nah…Gin would be too upset. Even the little green-haired one gets more screen time than him."

"Poor guy…"

"I don't really like him."

"Yeah, me neither."

Nel retched again, and they rushed to the newest addition to their team.

"Get her some pepto! Or…something!"

"HAI!" an arrancar ran quickly to find something.

Gin suddenly sauntered in and saw the unconscious Nel on the floor.

"GIN-SAMA! You're better!"

"I think Szayel should do it…"

"Noo…Nnoitora should."

"Why the fuck? Grimmjow should."

"Fuck no. Aizen could do it."

The four looked at each other, then burst into laughter. An unlikely group, Szayel, Nnoitora, Grimmjow, and Halibel stood together outside of Aizen's throne room.

"Halibel should do it, she's a fucking woman!" Nnoitora laughed.

"What did you say?" Halibel glared at him.

"Come on, you know what I meant…"

"Well…I _do_ fry up great steak," she admitted reluctantly.

"Will you?" Grimmjow asked softly.

"Fine…"

"Szayel, go tell him."

"Why me?"

"Come on…just do it." Grimmjow tilted his head.

"Yeah, do it." Nnoitora moved in closer to the pink-haired scientist.

"Do it, and there'll be a reward…" Halibel smirked. "The choice cut of meat…"

"The testicles?"

"No, idiot, the thigh!"

"What?? Is not…"

"Yeah…besides, do you really know where his happen to be?"

"No…"

"Exactly."

Ulquiorra sighed, his arms folded and his eyes closed. He was talking to Yammy, or, rather, Yammy was talking to him.

"Ulquiorra, I think I'm going to die…I've never been this hungry…"

"Of course you haven't." Ulquiorra sighed again.

"Can I eat your zanpakuto?"

"No, Yammy. They're going to fry up Aaroniero like steak. That will be good."

"Will there even be enough?"

"I—" Ulquiorra had not thought about it. He remembered that the noveno was tall and thin, and kind of odd looking. But then again, there _was _his release…

"Let's go."

"Go…where?"

"To tell them something important…"

Halibel and her "crew" advanced on Aaroniero hungrily. The door burst open to reveal Ulquiorra and Yammy.

"Quick! Make him release before you cook him!!"

"We were planning on it." Halibel stated, as she shot a balla at Aaroniero's head. He sighed, knowing that his death would be all the more painful if he did not oblige with their wishes.

So he did as they commanded, and every espada present salivated visibly. Halibel then chopped him up.

"Oh…he looks so yummy…" Yammy murmured.

"Get out! I need privacy!" Halibel cried suddenly. The others left promptly, all waiting outside the room and pacing together.

"I'm so hungry…" Yammy complained.

"We all are, so shut the fuck up." Nnoitora retorted.

"But—"

"Nnoitora's right." Stark muttered. "And I'm sleepy still, so quit fighting." He glowered at the two lower ranking espada.

A delicious odor snaked through the door, and permeated the group's nostrils.

"It smells delicious…" Ulquiorra mused.

"I can't wait…"

Halibel opened the door suddenly, and they pushed her aside so that they could get in. She narrowed her eyes furiously and sent out a wave of reiatsu that would bring all of them to their knees, except for Stark. Stark stood beside Halibel, chuckling.

The others complained and groaned as Halibel stopped her reiatsu.

"You guys really need to calm the fuck down. Halibel doesn't piss around." Stark informed them, sitting beside the segunda at a long table. Halibel snapped her fingers and a couple of young, weak arrancar brought in hot steaks cut from Aaroniero, each conversing briefly with Halibel before bringing their plates to someone.

Halibel had not received her steak yet, and every time someone reached to take a bite of their steak, she stopped them with her reiatsu. Stark helped her out, stopping Yammy more than twice.

Aizen, Gin and Tousen walked in slowly, taking their seats near Halibel and Stark. Quickly, they received steak as well. Halibel's steak then came out, covered in a dome.

"All right, you can all eat now." Aizen told them, taking a bite out of his choice cut of steak, a thigh. Szayel, as Halibel had promised, had received the other thigh. _(A/N: I just realized…Aaroniero doesn't have thighs when he releases…but we'll just roll with it)_

Nnoitora cut into his steak and noted with joy that it was bloody, just the way he liked it. The others ate gratefully and quickly. Nnoitora's eyes moved to Halibel's plate, which was still covered with the dome. She lifted it daintily, and he noticed that her steak was raw. His eye widened.

"Halibel, why is your steak raw?" he asked.

She narrowed her eyes, then sliced her steak in halves until it was bite-sized and dumped it down her collar so that she could eat it. "I like it cold and bloody." She told him. Nnoitora practically swooned right there.

Szayel poked at his steak, pouting adorably. "It's too done for my taste…"

"I'll eat it, then!" Yammy told him and reached for Szayel's steak. Szayel quickly stabbed Yammy's hand with his fork.

"I never said I wasn't going to eat it!" Szayel glowered at Yammy. Then, he proceeded to devour his steak, barely swallowing. It was much tastier than his fraccion, overdone or not, and he was rather glad he had opted against eating one of them instead of this.

Gin sat back and belched, his steak only half gone. He received several stares, and he sighed. "Do I look like I can eat a whole steak?" he demanded, and the stares ceased. He looked at Aizen. "Can I go now?"

"Yes, Gin. As long as you promise me you won't throw up the steak that Halibel took such care to prepare for you." Aizen demanded.

"Of course not." Gin nodded, and left.

"Now that everyone is finished, I have an announcement. I realize that Aaroniero was not the culprit behind the tea incident. However, he made for a tasty banquet indeed. If no one comes forward within forty eight hours to confess to this sin, you shall all be punished." Aizen promised wrathfully.

The espada were visibly sweating at that point, even the normally cool and collected Halibel looked quite frazzled.

"Fuck…" Nnoitora swore under his breath.

"But—you said—"

"Grimmjow, I lied." Aizen glared at the blue-haired sexta. "I want to know who did this. You do not wish to experience the wrathful side of me, do you?" Aizen narrowed his eyes angrily.

"No…" The majority of the espada chimed.

"Good. Then I expect a confession very soon. Now, go. I wish to be alone for a time."

The espada exited the room hastily. Stark made his way to his own quarters, to collapse on a pile of blankets and fall asleep, much to Lillenette's exasperation. Halibel, Grimmjow, Nnoitora, Yammy, and Ulquiorra walked down a hall together slowly.

"Who do you think did this?" Halibel directed at Ulquiorra. He sighed.

"I don't know. But this is all trash." He muttered.

"I bet Aizen did this just so he could have something to bitch about!" Grimmjow stated. Halibel shook her head.

"He would not do something stupid like that."

"Yeah, Halibel's got a point." Nnoitora nodded. "There's too much going on."

"This sucks." Yammy offered.

Halibel sighed and left the group, moving on to the baths.

Once she was gone, the four men got to talk about the yellow-haired segunda.

"Shit, she's got a great body." Nnoitora told them. "And her taste in food…damn…"

"She's got amazing fighting skills." Ulquiorra nodded.

"She's so hot!" Yammy offered.

"She could totally kick my ass…and I would totally let her." Grimmjow smirked. "She could dominate me any day."

"Me too." Nnoitora agreed. "Though, I'd love to dominate her…"

"I'd much rather be dominated by her…" Three heads turned toward Ulquiorra, and three jaws gaped open with surprise. "Don't be foolish. A woman like Halibel-sama could take the four of us in a heartbeat." Ulquiorra closed his eyes. "Didn't you feel her reiatsu? That isn't even half of it."

"What?" Nnoitora rolled his eye. "I know that. I also know—" he stopped, recalling something. "Never mind."

"No, go on." Ulquiorra's curiosity had been sparked. Nnoitora sighed.

"I also know that Halibel…uh…" Nnoitora looked down, the hint of a blush visible on his cheeks. "Halibel enjoys being dominated…" he said in a barely audible voice. If his companions had been drinking at that moment, there would have been various liquids splattered all over the floor.

Yammy just stared in confusion, trying hard to make the connection between Nnoitora's words and how he knew that. Ulquiorra's eyes widened slightly more than natural, and Grimmjow laughed hysterically.

"You don't fucking know that, you asshole!" Grimmjow shook his head, holding his sides. That was too funny.

"Yeah…" Nnoitora kicked the ground, and then tilted his head. "I got to ask you guys though…have any of you ever done anything…_intimate_...with Halibel?" Nnoitora asked.

"I wish!" Yammy guffawed.

Grimmjow shrugged, and then shook his head. Ulquiorra sighed, and then nodded slowly. Nnoitora grinned at Ulquiorra.

"Well, I might have to kick your ass one of these days after all!" Nnoitora laughed maniacally, and then pulled his uniform slightly open to reveal a gash barely hidden by his uniform.

"Halibel-sama did that, didn't she?" Ulquiorra stared at the wound, and Nnoitora nodded. It was just the same length as her sword. Ulquiorra sighed, and then removed his jacket and turned so that he could reveal a similar mark on his back. Nnoitora chuckled as he studied it.

"That's about healed up, Ulquiorra!" Nnoitora smirked, then looked over at Grimmjow and Yammy, who looked like fish out of water, mouths and eyes wide open.

"Holy shit!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "She didn't kill you guys?"

"Shit, why would she do something like that?" Nnoitora scoffed. "She's not even done with me yet!"

Halibel chose that moment to appear, her eyes narrow. "I see you two have chosen to compare battle scars…" she remarked to Nnoitora and Ulquiorra. They quickly moved to cover themselves again, while Grimmjow and Yammy tried desperately not to laugh.

"Halibel-sama…"

"Ulquiorra, how many times must I tell you? There is no need for –sama after my name." Halibel told him with an exasperated sigh. "And you, Nnoitora, should know better than to—" she frowned, looked up and down the hall, then bounced on her heels as though she were nervous.

"What the—"

"Ulquiorra…"

"What's the matter, Halibel?"

"Shit…"

Halibel's eyes widened to twice their normal size, then she seemed to relax for a moment.

"What the fuck is going on?" Nnoitora demanded. Halibel jumped at his voice, and then jumped up on his back, her face near his ear.

"Take me to my quarters…now!"

Aizen sighed, staring dispassionately at a clean, white wall. He was so bored…and so thirsty. "Dammit, I want my tea!"

An unfortunate arrancar happened to be in the room. Aizen's mood shifted suddenly from sort of angry to extremely depressed, and he grabbed the arrancar and began to sob upon its shoulder.

"I just want my tea…is that really so much to ask?"

"N-n-no, Aizen-sama! Not at all!" the arrancar said consolingly, but Aizen only added to its misfortune by ripping its head completely off. This prompted more tears, and a build-up to his crushing depression.

"Why does everything I love have to die?" he wailed. Szayel Aporro Granz happened to walk by just in time to hear this vocalization. He glanced into the throne room curiously, albeit a little nervously.

"Aizen-sama—are you all right?" he asked.

"No! Damn me, everything is going wrong!" he cursed, pounding his fist into his thigh brutally. Szayel winced, knowing there would be a bruise left behind on that godly thigh.

"Aizen-sama, if I may—I have found one tea bag left in the kitchen."

"You have?" Aizen perked up noticeably, his usual god-like hue nearly completely restored.

"Yes. And, with your permission, sire, I will proceed to make duplicates of it so that the tea may be restored once more. That way, we can pursue the culprit on a much more…calm…level."

"Please, Szayel Aporro, do so immediately. Thank you very much."

Szayel bowed and began to leave, but turned quickly. "Perhaps I could have permission to journey to the living world as well to do…research?"

"Do what you must. Just leave me in peace."

"Hai, sir." Szayel bowed again and left. He had lied about the tea bag, but it got the pressure off of him for a while at least, and since he was allowed to go to the living world…he could get plenty of tea bags, and duplicate those. Now, to figure out which was Aizen-sama's favorite….


	3. Showers, Medical rooms, Tea, and Eyeball

_Again, I must warn you. Do not do anything you read in this story. _

_I mean it. Bad things will happen. Serious bad things. _

_Okay, now that that is out of the way...on with the story!_

_Chapter 3—Showers, Medical rooms, Tea, and Eyeballs_

Barragan (formerly known as Alberto) sat around waiting for his fraccion, feeling extremely bored. Suddenly, there was a knock upon his door. "Who is it?" he growled, thinking it damned well better be his fraccion.

"Uh…this is…one of your fraccion."

"Well, get your ass in here, then."

The door opened slowly to reveal…Ulquiorra.

"I lied. Balla!" he shot a surprise balla at Barragan, who could not dodge it in time.

"Damn you, Ulquiorra." He muttered as he died and dissipated into the air. Ulquiorra knew Aizen was not going to be pleased with the death, but he had a plan…

Nnoitora sat in Halibel's quarters impatiently, listening to the water of her shower run. Why the hell was that damned shower taking so long? It had already been…two minutes!

"Halibel, hurry the hell up!"

"Do you want to die prematurely, Nnoitora?"

"No, but I might if you don't hurry!"

"I'll kill you, Nnoitora…"

"You keep sayin' that…"

"I'm not joking."

"Shut yer trap and take that damn shower."

"You started—"

"JUST DO IT DAMMIT!"

Halibel sighed; making a mental note to own Nnoitora once her shower was finished. However, she was determined to take a very long time…until the door to her bathroom opened, and after that, the door to her shower.

Her eyes widened as a very naked Nnoitora stood before her. "What—"

"I told you before, woman, I'm damned impatient." He growled as he forced his way into her shower.

Tesla just so happened to be passing by Halibel's room, and all he could hear were delighted shrieks of pleasure and pain, and Nnoitora's voice—moaning, "Harder, harder—oh, shit!"

"Nnoitora-sama?" Tesla pushed the door open, then went into the bathroom, peering into the shower, and seeing a very naked Halibel and a very naked Nnoitora—doing things that he had never before seen anyone do.

"DAMMIT! TESLA GET THE FUCK OUT!" Nnoitora yelled in a voice loud enough to be heard all the way on the other side of Las Noches.

"I thought you were hurt—"

"Fucking A, Tesla…" Nnoitora punched the wall of the shower angrily, and Halibel watched in horror as her entire bathroom wall fell apart, revealing herself and Nnoitora to a growing crowd of curious arrancar and espada.

"Nnoitora, you are so dead." She intoned wrathfully, and his eye darted around in shock.

"Son of a—" he muttered as he was dragged into her room again, which was slowly crumbling.

"I can't believe you—"

"Nnoitora-sama, Halibel-sama—the ceiling is falling in."

"Fuck…" three voices, swore, and Halibel pulled an extra large towel around herself, managing to cover most of her body and the lower half of her face.

Nnoitora, however, was doomed to public nudity.

Szayel paced around his room, thinking about where to get tea, and how to do so. He figured he could just walk in and take some, seeing as how no one would ever notice him.

"Szayel Aporro—" a voice followed a knock upon his door. The door slowly swung open to reveal Ulquiorra.

"What do you want?"

"To go to the living world with you…"

"Eh?"

Gin and Nel sat on a bench together. She was slowly inching toward him, until she was in his lap.

He looked down at her curiously through slitted eyes.

"You gots no eyeth!" Nel giggled, peeling the lids apart. Of course, she discovered that he indeed had eyes, beautiful blue-green orbs.

"Ow…" he groaned, and pulled her roving hands away. "That's not a very nice thing to do." He told her, and she pouted.

"But Nel wanted to thee if you had eyeth!"

"You could have asked."

"You said no three timeth already!"

"Oh…"

"You have pretty eyeth. How come you keep them clothed?"

"I just do…" Gin was getting irritated with the girl. How long was she going to keep herself attached to his thigh?

"Nel liketh you."

"Uh…"

Aizen sighed to himself. It had come to his attention that some of his beloved espada believed it to be wrong that they could be disposed of or punished so easily. However, he believed that his exalted status in the universe obligated him to decide the fates of his beloved espada. After all, it was in everyone's best interest to expose the tea-dumping culprit, the ultimate sinner. All that was needed was the damning evidence.

He smirked in utter satisfaction, his superiority apparent to all, thus, his exalted position secured. He knew that as god, it was up to him to decide the ultimate penance for this ultimate sin. The day of reckoning was upon them, and his was the merciless hand of judgment.

"The day of reckoning will be cloudless, because cloudless skies are pure." He murmured in his divine tone.

Ulquiorra stared at Szayel. "You will not say no." He commanded. Szayel sighed. This was going to be quite a hindrance to his research, but it was so very impossible to deny the cuatro espada's request.

"Fine, you may accompany me, Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Good. I'm glad." Ulquiorra stated in a flat tone, following Szayel until he opened a garganta. "What do you intend to do here?"

"Find tea. Aizen-sama has none left, and even if we do expose the prankster, we will not have tea left. It must be done. We must have tea." Szayel sighed resignedly.

"Clever." Ulquiorra nodded. "I am going to retrieve that girl. Inoue Orihime."

"Whatever for?" Szayel asked with a short laugh.

"I have something I want her to do."

"Oh?" Perhaps Nnoitora's perverted ways had rubbed off on the octavo.

"If you are thinking of something sexual, do not. That is disgusting." Ulquiorra shook his head. "I would not think of touching a…_human_…in that way." But of course, he had thought of touching Halibel in that way often. That thought brought a tinge of pink to his abnormally gray cheeks.

Szayel blinked in disbelief at the blush, wondering if Ulquiorra was indeed thinking of touching Orihime in…_that_…way. "You aren't now, are you?"

"No." Ulquiorra shook his head.

"Well, then who?"

"Hah…Halibel-sama." The cuatro admitted. Szayel smirked.

"Well, that's perfectly natural! We all do!"

Ulquiorra shifted, wondering about if the octavo did think that way. There were horrible rumors—but he believed none of them. He just kept himself in seclusion often. There was nothing horribly wrong with that.

"Even you?"

"What? Of course I do." Szayel smirked. "But not her as much as—"

"Never mind. I have to go. I feel Inoue Orihime's reiatsu…over there." Ulquiorra disappeared, and Szayel smiled and chuckled to himself. Simple talk of sexual endeavors was all it took to rid him of the higher ranked espada. Too bad it did not work on the quinto, otherwise he would use it more often.

"Hm, now, where to find tea…" Luckily, he was in sight of a local teashop. Ah, perfect! That would make things easy, seeing as how it was a specialty shop. He could go in, and collect much tea. Also, he had brought a bag with him from Hueco Mundo, so he would not have to risk someone seeing a bag from the living world floating off on its own accord.

He dashed into the shop, gathering one tea bag of every sort of tea he could in less than five minutes. He sighed happily; proud of the invention he had used to do so.

Ulquiorra met him, carrying a struggling Orihime under his arm. "She wants to go back to Hueco Mundo." He lied.

"No I don't! I want to stay home! Aizen already let me go!"

"I will bring you back when I am finished with you, woman. Just be silent." Ulquiorra commanded. Szayel stepped back as though distancing himself from the situation.

He opened a garganta and the three made their way to Las Noches in silence. Szayel went straight to his lab to duplicate the tea, and water he had taken from the living world on a whim.

Ulquiorra, however, had different plans.

Grimmjow had fallen asleep in what he had thought to be his own quarters. However, the room belonged to a lower ranking arrancar who had lured him in with the promise of rubbing his belly and scratching behind his ears. Of course, the combined effect had worked like a drug and caused slumber.

He awoke with surprise, rolling over to sit up, hearing a crunch as the weight was distributed lower.

"The fuck?" he stood up, discovering a smashed skull beneath his bottom. "Shit…" he muttered, realizing there was a suddenly lifeless body accompanying the head he had just smashed. Was he really that heavy—or was it just that the skull had been weak? He hoped it was the latter, but then again, it mattered not.

He rose and looked around. "This isn't my room. Why the fuck am I here?" he muttered, and left, wandering about the halls. Ulquiorra bumped into him with Orihime, who was squealing with pain.

"Put me down! I can walk, I won't run away!" she begged, then noticed Grimmjow. "Huh--?"

"What's with the girl?" Grimmjow demanded. Ulquiorra shrugged.

"I have some healing I'd like taken care of." He told the sexta. Grimmjow nodded.

"Well, I'm coming with."

"What—why?"

"I'm fucking bored. Just shut the hell up, and let's go." Grimmjow told him. "Maybe we can get her to reject the whole—"

"Grimmjow, quiet. Do not speak of that." Ulquiorra warned. "Do not forget. She has contact with Soul Society. What will they think if they hear of…this?"

"Oh, right. Still, it would be like it never happened—"

"Silence. Forget about that."

"Whatever. Let's go."

Nnoitora hid his nudity as best he could behind Halibel, but she had ulterior motives. She thrust him in front of her, and he sighed. He decided that perhaps being naked was not such a bad thing.

"Don't pretend like you're not impressed." He said pride fully as he walked by lower ranked arrancar. They were all murmuring in shock, awe, and several other conflicting emotions.

"Let's go to my room, Halibaby." Nnoitora crooned, the awe-filled gasps stoking his ego.

"I was thinking the shower." Halibel told him, a little miffed that everyone's attention was upon her companion of mastodonic proportions.

She suddenly ripped her towel off and wrapped it quickly around Nnoitora's body. The gasps ceased for a moment, becoming a shocked silence. Then, the whispers intensified, and Nnoitora gaped down at the segunda in shock as well. He held the towel and followed her nervously.

"You and your damned showers…"

"Shut up." Halibel walked, her body erect, heedless of the stares and unhinged jaws. She yanked Nnoitora into the nearest shower, and turned on the water.

Tesla ran in, jumping up and down frantically. "Nnoitora-sama, Nnoitora-sama! I have to get you to the medical wing!"

"Not now, damn it, Tesla. Of all the god damn times…"

"I'm serious! You're covered in blood—and…"

"I can heal 'em myself…"

"No! We have to go!" Tesla dragged Nnoitora away forcefully, his strength tripled by his adrenaline rush. Halibel wrapped herself in another oversized towel and looked out the hallway. To her intense anger, Nnoitora and Tesla were nowhere in sight.

"Fuck…"

Someone was going to die.

Szayel sat alone in his lab, his fraccion off bothering each other in another room. He was testing and retesting the tea. He had already made several duplicates, which had been easy. He wanted to know what made tea so appealing, and he wanted to know so much more…

"Ano…how did I get in here?" a feminine voice murmured. An intruder? How had he not known? He looked up curiously to see Cirucci Thunderwitch.

"Huh?" he frowned. "How did you get past—oh, never mind." Perhaps he could incorporate the female into his research somehow. That might prove interesting on several levels. "Why don't you come on in, have a cup of tea? I have several delicious sounding kinds."

"Oh…okay…" she wandered closer, sitting when he offered a seat. He handed her a cup of steaming tea, and she drank greedily. "Ooh, this is good. Where did you get it?"

"Living world. Why don't you tell me about yourself? You are quite an interesting specimen." He leered at her. She blushed lightly, and looked down.

"Oh…you think so?"

"Of course. You're simply marvelous."

"Oh…my…" she giggled girlishly. "Well…" she launched into a detailed description of herself, while Szayel took notes, mental notes, that is, about everything she liked and things like that. He had a very interesting study in mind…

"Nel-chan?" Orihime's voice dripped with disbelief. "You want me to heal…Nel-chan?"

"Must you ask questions, woman?" Ulquiorra stared at Orihime. She sighed, and the orange shield appeared over Nel. Gin sat still upon the bench, curious as to what they were going to do.

The crack quickly disappeared, and Nel quickly turned into…Neliel. Gin gasped in surprise.

"Neliel?" he opened his eyes, in utter shock.

"Huh…why'd you do that, Ulquiorra?" Neliel asked softly.

Ulquiorra looked away, refusing to answer. Grimmjow was trembling with shock, his reaction to the adultification of Nel.

"What—the—hell?" Grimmjow's eyes were huge. Suddenly, he made a realization. "It's my birthday."

Ulquiorra shoved the fully-grown Neliel toward Grimmjow. "Happy birthday, Grimmjow."

"Shit, Ulquiorra, you didn't have to go this far."

"No one else will get you anything." Ulquiorra revealed.

"Oh…well, thanks. I dunno why the fuck you bothered, but whatever. Come on Nel, let's go to my room."

"Uh…okay." She nodded.

Gin looked at Ulquiorra as the two left. "Is it really all right to give her away as a gift?" he asked. Orihime looked as though she had wanted to ask the same thing.

"She showed no objections. Therefore, I see no problem."

"As long as they're happy…" Orihime sighed, thinking of romance.

"Sure…" Gin shook his head, thinking of violence and destruction.

"I'm leaving." Ulquiorra told them, and disappeared.

Orihime frowned, looking at Gin. "He was supposed to take me home…" she said sadly.

"That's a shame." Gin told her, and she sat beside him.

"It's nice there. It's nothing like this place." She told him, and he shrugged.

"You want to go to my room?"

"Okay!"

Nnoitora growled angrily at Tesla, sitting upon a table in a medical room.

"Dammit, Tesla, I was about to get laid. Something you would not understand." Nnoitora said angrily.

"Nnoitora-sama, I did not want you to get even more injured. Halibel-sama seemed mad."

"I didn't make her mad!" Nnoitora yelled.

Tesla sighed. "Nnoitora-sama…just—"

"Shut up, I'm sick of listening to you."

Obediently, Tesla clamped his mouth shut and sat still in hopes that Nnoitora would not find destroying his other eye pleasing. Blindness, Tesla knew, would not suit him. One eye was barely sufficient to properly ogle the beautiful, busty arrancar women.

Halibel stormed through Las Noches after her shower, searching for Nnoitora. That little fucker Tesla just had to tear him away…

"Halibel-sama—what's wrong?" her fraccion appeared and asked her frantically.

"If you haven't seen Nnoitora, go amuse yourselves elsewhere." Halibel said through gritted teeth, desperately trying to keep her temper under control. Hastily, her fraccion disappeared, and she sighed in relief.

She charged through the halls of Las Noches, unable to feel Nnoitora's reiatsu anywhere. Of course, if he were indeed in a medical room, then it would be impossible to register the reiatsu. The rooms were made so that those healing would not be disturbed. She made her way to the medical wing, pausing and gathering herself.

She would have to just open every damned door and find her man. She began opening doors…forgetting that there were so many…

Szayel walked purposefully into Aizen's throne room, a smirk upon his face.

"Szayel Aporro Granz, have you duplicated the tea?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama, but I have also discovered a beverage more…energizing…than tea."

Aizen laughed, slapping his thighs.

"A beverage more energizing than tea? Oh? Prove it." Aizen challenged.

"Two nights ago, I drank three cups of this beverage, and ever since then, I have been able to stay awake and finish so much research…I have developed so many theories and weapons…Aizen-sama, I feel so alive!"

"What is this beverage?" Aizen asked curiously.

"Coffee." Szayel smirked, and handed Aizen a steaming mug. The godly man sipped it.

"Splendid, it is simply divine, Szayel Aporro." Aizen stated.

"I suggest that we serve it at all of the meetings."

"Indeed, we shall. Szayel, you deserve a reward."

"Hai, Aizen-sama?"

"You are exempt from any punishment."

"Arigatou, Aizen-sama!"

"And you may introduce this…coffee…to the espada, and any other arrancar…"


	4. Introducing coffee

YAY! Coffee. It is amazing!

_**Chapter Four: Introducing…Coffee.**_

Szayel called a meeting, luckily for everyone. He stood at the head of the table, holding a large carafe of coffee in his hand.

"Thank you for coming, I have made a great discovery."

"Oh yeah?" Nnoitora scoffed, glancing at Halibel. Her hand was on his thigh, gripping him possessively. He could feel her nails digging in, but he did not mind. She was just grateful not to have to search thousands of medical rooms for him. _Fucking Tesla…_they thought, not realizing they were having the same thought.

"Is it delicious?" Yammy asked. Szayel beamed with pride.

"Why, yes, it is! Here, pour them all a cup of this…" he murmured to a serving arrancar, who gladly took the carafe and poured the coffee in everyone's mug, adding a little bit of cream to the dark, steaming liquid.

"Do we…drink it?" Zommari asked softly. Szayel nodded.

"Holy shit! This shit is awesome!" Grimmjow grinned.

"Hey…where the fuck is that asshole Barragan?" Nnoitora asked suddenly. Ulquiorra looked away and whistled. Nnoitora suddenly noticed that there was a certain familiar green-haired arrancar sitting beside Grimmjow. "What the fuck is she doing here?"

"Ulquiorra gave her to me for my birthday!" Grimmjow grinned.

"It's your birthday?" seven or eight voices chorused. Grimmjow's forehead hit his palm with a loud smack.

"It's so easy to remember, goddammit! It's the same day as Christmas…CHRISTMAS!"

He received a roomful of blank stares.

"Oh, fuck it. I got what I wanted anyway…" he muttered, with a wink at Neliel. She blushed modestly, her hand on his knee.

"I'm gonna kill that fucking bitch…" Nnoitora muttered, and Halibel's grip tightened on his knee.

"I'm going to keep you too busy…" she promised him. His eye widened, and he smirked.

"You're gonna let me walk, aren't you?"

"Shut up…Szayel Aporro, what do you call this drink?"

"I'm so glad you asked! It's called 'coffee' and it's the best thing since tea!"

"Does this mean the tea thing is forgotten, then?" Stark asked in an irritated voice.

"No, not at all." Aizen replied, making his presence known. "As pleased as I am that the coffee Szayel Aporro discovered is a hit, I still want that sinner exposed. Szayel, you may have a seat. Thank you." Aizen cleared his throat, looking about at his beloved espada.

"Now that I have the floor, I must tell you, my dear espada, how disappointed I am in you. Not only does someone among your ranks have the temerity to betray me, this someone betrays me even further by not coming forward." Aizen sighed, looking down sadly. "If you wish to be loyal to me, you will come forward and confess to this heinous crime." Aizen pounded his fist on the table.

"I will be in my quarters if anyone wishes to confess." He made his grand exit then, and the espada looked down sadly.

"We must not disappoint Aizen-sama. That is trash." Ulquiorra stated.

"No, we really should not." Szayel agreed. "Where—where is Gin?" he asked suddenly, noting that he had not shown up to the meeting.

"I believe he is in his quarters…with…Inoue Orihime."

"Oh…"

"I bet he's training Pet-sama." Nnoitora suggested with a perverted leer.

"Nnoitora…" Halibel's tone was filled with warning.

"What? You know you'd like to…_train_...me." Nnoitora's leer widened.

"I'll show you what this _training _is all about. And I do not think you will enjoy it."

"Oh…shit."

"I want to know who the fuck did this…" Grimmjow muttered.

"We all do…" Szayel sighed.

Aizen walked back in suddenly.

"I noticed that there are a couple absences. For one, Aaroniero's rank is available, as he has been sacrificed. And, it seems as though Barragan is missing. What happened to him?"

"I think he died of old age…" Ulquiorra stated.

"Oh, well, that's a shame. These ranks will need to be filled. I also see a familiar face that I have not seen in a while. Welcome back, Neliel, you may return to your former spot as the tricero."

"Thank you, Aizen-sama." Neliel smiled shyly.

"What? Aizen-sama—she's a fucking traitor!"

"Nnoitora, calm yourself. There is no need to dirty your mouth with such words. We will need a noveno espada as well. I have already made my decision as to whom it will be. Nnoitora, I have bad news for you."

"Worse than Neliel returning to her spot?"

"Yes. Tesla is no longer your fraccion. He will be the new noveno espada."

"WHAT?" Nnoitora's jaw unhinged itself, and he looked as though he were going to break the great meeting room table in half. "Fuck me, oh, fuck me!" he cursed. "May I be excused, Aizen-sama?"

"Yes. Naturally, you will need some time to let this…register."

"Fucking right I need some time." Nnoitora muttered as he left. Halibel looked up at Aizen.

"Aizen-sama, may I be excused as well? I would like to help Nnoitora…accept this…"

"Fine, go."

Halibel ran after Nnoitora, and he nearly took her out.

"Fuck, I thought you were someone else."

"Come on, let's go to my—your quarters." Halibel told him, remembering that her quarters had been destroyed.

"What the fuck for? How's that gonna help?"

Halibel sighed, smacking Nnoitora's forehead as if to say "Duh!"

"Sexual healing, you idiot."

"Oh…oh!"

Aizen called Tesla into his meeting room after the espada had left.

"Tesla, I have some great news for you."

"Huh? Wh—what's that, Aizen-sama?" He asked nervously.

"You are no longer Nnoitora's fraccion."

"I'm not? Am I—am I Halibel-sama's fraccion now?" he asked hopefully.

"No…you are now an espada. You now hold the rank of noveno espada."

"Wh—really, Aizen-sama?"

"Yes. Congratulations. I would steer clear of Nnoitora for a while, however. He seemed rather angry with the situation."

"Thank you, Aizen-sama!" Tesla bowed gratefully, making a note to stay away from his former master. "Does this mean I get fraccion of my own?"

"Of course. You can pick as many as you'd like whenever you would like." Aizen told him. Tesla grinned happily.

"Thank you so much, Aizen-sama! This is the best day of my life!" He cried happily.

"Aw, don't mention it, Tesla. You're a good kid." Aizen patted the blonde haired espada on the head affectionately. "You'll make a great addition to the espada."

Orihime left Gin's room later that night, stumbling through the halls, her face flushed.

"Orihime? Inoue Orihime?" A male voice called from down the hall. She turned in surprise.

"St—Stark?" she perked an eyebrow.

"How would you like to come to my quarters?"

"Huh—okay." She agreed.

Szayel happened to walk by Grimmjow's quarters on his way to his own quarters. He paused because he heard some strange noises.

"You're a kitty! Purr kitty, purr!"

He then heard Grimmjow purring loudly, and he covered his mouth to stifle his giggles.

"I love it when you purr! Purr louder! Ohh, that's the way!" Neliel's voice was muffled, but as clear as crystal to Szayel.

"Oh, just fuck me already, Neliel." He heard Grimmjow's impatient voice. Szayel grinned madly, and knocked loudly upon the door. "Who the fuck--?"

The door swung open after a minute or so. "I was just passing by and thought I'd say hello!" Szayel told the couple brightly. Neliel blushed, wondering just how much Szayel had heard.

"Yeah? So what? We were in the middle of something."

"Oh, yeah, I could hear." Szayel told him. Grimmjow's eyes widened, and he shot a glare at Neliel, who just giggled, her blush deepening.

"Oh…how much did you hear?" Neliel asked.

"Enough…"

"Want to join us?" She asked with a short laugh. Szayel nodded, and Grimmjow sighed, closing the door behind the pink-haired espada.

Nnoitora lay on his bed panting. Halibel was in his bathroom, taking yet another shower.

"Fuck…fuck…" he tried desperately to catch his breath. That woman was amazing.

"Oh, Nnoitora, was I too rough on you?" she called over the running water, giggling.

"No…never…" Nnoitora panted.

"So I can fuck you harder then?"

"Oh…please…Halibel…"

"Good!" She beamed to herself, stepping out of the shower.

"Halibel…Halibel—what the fuck are you doing? That's not—that's not supposed to go there! No! Don't touch me there! Why are you doing that? Ow! That hurts!"

"You said I could fuck you harder, Nnoi-Nnoi!"

"I lied! This hurts! A lot! Stop it! OW!! Why do you have to do that! Sweet Aizen! That's not—NO!! STOP IT!! GODDAMMIT WOMAN!!"

"Aw, Nnoi-Nnoi's a wimp!"

"AM NOT! You just fuck me too hard! OW!! That doesn't bend that wa—OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

"It feels good to me."

"Well, it doesn't to me!"

"So?"

"Stop it! Get off of me! You said I could have top this time!"

"Shut up! I own you…so just take it like a man! And then I'll give you a treat, I swear."

"Oh, fine. Fuck me…don't kill me…please…"

"Oh, I won't. I promise…" Halibel's tone was menacing.


	5. Of drought, exposure, and intervention

Mm'kay, guess I oughta do a disclaimer like thing for this.

Firstly, DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF AIZEN TRY TO DO THE THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY!

With that out of the way, Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, who I worship.

Dracula from Houston belongs to The Butthole Surfers, Feel Good belongs to James Brown, Everywhere to Michelle Branch, H.W.C. to Liz Phair, Wish You Were Here to Pink Floyd, Smells Like Teen Spirit to Nirvana (correct if I'm wrong, can't remember the title, I am so exhausted right now), Minority to Green Day, and finally, Sleep to MCR.

Last time I make...never mind.

_**Chapter Five: Of drought, exposure, and intervention**_

Weeks passed, and Aizen still had not exposed the tea dumping culprit. Everyone had been in a coffee induced haze for those weeks, and Aizen realized that they were addicted.

"No coffee for a week. At the end of the week, you may have coffee. But we need to get some sleep." Aizen told his espada.

They all groaned, not realizing the impact of the lack of coffee they would be experiencing…

&

"Has anyone seen Inoue Orihime? I was supposed to take her back to the living world weeks ago…" Ulquiorra asked multiple espada at multiple times.

"I saw her leaving Gin's room a week ago." Stark told him.

"Oh, yeah, she was leaving Stark's room a couple night's ago." Halibel told him.

"I saw her come out of Halibel's room the other night!" Neliel said brightly.

"Oh, that whore? She was in Neliel's room a while ago, and I saw her come out of your room a couple weeks ago." Nnoitora told him. Ulquiorra closed his eyes, shaking his head at Nnoitora's blatant lie. Although, Orihime had been coming out of his room…

"Ha, she was in Nnoitora's room a coupla nights ago!" Grimmjow laughed.

"I saw her come out of Grimmjow's room…" Zommari said slowly.

"I saw her in Zommari's room…" Szayel informed.

"Oh! I saw her come out of Szayel Aporro-sama's room!" Tesla said enthusiastically. After all, his new rank had given him an incredible mood boost, along with his ten fraccion, all female, and all breasts, hips, and lips…

"Uh…I saw her in Tesla's room…" Yammy told him. Ulquiorra closed his eyes. This was hopeless. By bringing Orihime into Hueco Mundo, he had turned her into a nymphomaniac.

"I am sure she will get bored of this place and find you eventually." Aizen said reassuringly.

"I saw her come out of your quarters not even an hour ago, Aizen-sama." Ulquiorra stated.

"Oh…about that…"

"Aizen-sama, I understand. Inoue Orihime is a nymphomaniac. It is hard to deny her."

"Yes…yes, indeed…"

&

Orihime lay on some bed, she was not sure to whom it belonged, or how she came to rest upon it, but there she was. She groaned and rolled over, aching slightly, but it was a good sort of ache.

"Ah…" she sighed, closing her eyes.

"Inoue Orihime?" a familiar voice called.

"Ulqui—Ulquiorra?"

"Yes. I just thought you might like to return home soon…you know, to the living world."

"Living…world? What—what is that?"

"That is where you live. Well, before you became a nymphomaniac, that is."

"What? Am not."

"Admit it, Orihime. You have a problem. You are addicted to sex."

"I am not! I just like it, is all…"

"Then we will have to do this the hard way…"

&

"God damn, I want some coffee." Grimmjow growled, and Neliel pouted.

"I do too. I'm having such horrible withdrawals…"

"Oh? I can take care of that."

"Really? You have coffee?"

"No, but I have a distraction for you…"

"Oh, I like this distraction." she giggled, and he growled. A sudden crash was heard, and then hysterical laughter.

"Didn't that hurt?"

"I'm bleeding! But no."

"Ah, shit, you're getting it everywhere!"

"Am I? Oh…don't throw me around like that then! I'm gonna go bleed on your bed!"

"No! Don't!"

"Too late…look, it's everywhere! I should get this checked out! It hurts!"

"You can't--we're already naked!"

"And so what? We can get dressed…"

"Dammit, Nel…I'm gonna make that hurt a lot worse."

"No! Don't!" A lot of running and crashing around was heard.

"Ow! You bitch!"

"You liked it! Don't lie!" Neliel teased.

"I'll fucking get you for--hey, hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing…"

"Oh, come on, Nel, don't you remember what happened last--oh, shit, that's the spot…"

"I remember…and I remember liking it a lot."

"You sick bitch…"

"Oh, but I remember you liked it too…"

"Shit…look at that…"

"Huh?"

"HAH! I win!"

"Oh, ow…that's not nice!"

"Yeah, so?" Grimmjow laughed.

"I meant to you--look, I'm bleeding all over you."

"Why won't you stop bleeding dammit?"

"I told you! We need to get it checked out!"

"No!"

"Well, if I die of blood loss, I'm blaming you."

"So?"

"You can't use me if I die, idiot!"

"Shit…fine, let's go."

"Wait! We're naked! We have to do something about it!"

"We'll never get out of here, Nel…"

&

Szayel staggered through the halls like a drunk. He leaned up against a wall and belched loudly.

"Where the _hell_ have you been?" an angry Cirucci demanded.

"Huh? I don't know…"

"Like hell you don't!"

"I don't! I swear! Please don't hurt me again!"

"Oh, I'll show you a new kind of hurt!!"

"Oh, please, no!" _Yes, yes, hurt me good…_

&

Grimmjow yanked Nel into the halls, storming through Las Noches with her in tow. The two of them were in their full nude glory.

"Grimmjow! Grimmjow! They're staring at me!"

"Who's staring at you?"

Neliel pointed at a group of gathering low ranked arrancar. With an exasperated sigh, Grimmjow quickly blew them all to bits.

"Happy?"

"Sweet Aizen, yes!" she giggled, and managed to run after him somehow.

"Good."

"Where are we going?"

"Oh, you'll see."

&

Orihime heard strange noises outside of Zommari's room. She could not understand what they were, but at first she thought she heard the distinct sound of a toilet being flushed.

Then, there was sobbing.

She rubbed her temples in thought when suddenly, the door swung open.

"Come on in, little lady." Zommari told her with a hiccup. She obliged hesitantly.

"OH GOD WHAT _IS_ THAT?" she cried in disbelief.

"Shh, it's okay. Everything will be all right, human girl…"

&

Grimmjow dragged Nel into Aizen's throne room. The man smiled as he noted that the two were as naked as the day they were born.

"What is it, Grimmjow?"

"I love this girl, and I want to marry her."

"WHAT?" Two voices joined as one, the voices belonging to Nel and Aizen.

"You damn well heard me!"

"Arrancar do not marry, Grimmjow." Aizen told him with a laugh. "You always were a joker, Grimmjow."

"I'm not fucking joking!"

"What?" Neliel looked as though she might pass out. "Here I am, bleeding to death, and you're asking him for my hand in marriage? What kind of idiot _are_ you?" she demanded.

"An idiot…in…love…?"

"HEY! SHUT UP!" Aizen yelled over their conversation. "Like I said. Arrancar do not marry. But, I will allow you to take a vacation and sort these…sigh…feelings out…" he told them.

Neliel jumped three feet in the air and instantly regretted it.

"Dammit, Nel, you're bleeding everywhere again."

"It's your fault for wanting to marry me!" she argued.

"Whatever. Yo, Aizen-sama, can I have some bandages?"

"Absolutely not."

"What? She's gonna fucking die!"

"Ask Szayel."

"He's getting beat up by his woman."

"What? I don't want to know."

Neliel had sidled up to Aizen's throne, and managed to crawl into Aizen's lap. She bled all over his clean, white robes. Aizen looked down, and as soon as he saw the crimson, he looked as though he were having apoplectic fits.

"Aizen-sama?"

"Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now." Aizen demanded.

"Yes sir! Yes sir! Right away sir!" Nel and Grimmjow chorused as they made with the "Get the fuck out".

As soon as they were in the hall, Nel and Grimmjow collapsed against each other with laughter at the scene they had caused.

"That was epic."

"We have to do that again."

"Right when we get back!" Neliel beamed, and bit at Grimmjow. He batted her away, and she pouted. "Come on, let's go. We can get married in the living world, stud."

"You're still bleeding, for fuck's sake!"

"So? I'm okaheeey!!" she cried out as she fell over. "I'm just a little dizzy is all…" she said defensively.

"Stand up, then."

She tried to stand, but fell back over. Grimmjow flung Nel over his shoulder unceremoniously and took her to a medical room before leaving for the living world.

&

Nnoitora lay on the floor of his room, on his stomach. Halibel was in his bed, refusing to share with him, on the grounds of "you're just a pansy who can't take the loving I dish out."

Shit, what a load of bullshit that was!

He could take it…just not in the large doses she tended to give it in…

She rolled over and he heard the springs creaking.

"Tesla…" he heard her murmur in her sleep. He perked up, listening intently suddenly. "Tesla, you mumble mumble mumble taking all my sex mumble mumble mumble…I mumble mumble love mumble mumble mumble Neliel mumble Grimmjow mumble."

Nnoitora's face held a classic "What the fuck" expression.

"Tesla, I'm gonna fucking kill you." Halibel muttered in her sleep as she rolled over, her mouth exposed so there was no more mumbling. Nnoitora was relieved about that, but wondered what the fuck the whole Grimmjow Neliel thing was about.

He tried to forget, but the ground was hard, and he could not sleep without his silky black sheets.

Dammit, Halibel…that's my bed.

"Halibel…" he whispered meekly, poking her shoulder. "Halibel, wake up. Come on, Halibel."

She rolled over and nearly bit his finger off. "The hell do you want?"

"My silky black sheets…"

"No!"

"Can I come back to bed?"

"Will you stop whining every time we fuck?"

"I can't make any pro—I mean, yes, yes mistress!"

"Good. Come on, then, hop on in." she said invitingly.

He did as she said happily, though she did not allow him to cuddle with her. Whatever, at least he could finally sleep.

&

Gin sat in the middle of a room, meditating it seemed with a lit stick of incense. He was not really, but that was what he would say were anyone to catch him.

He was reminiscing, something that was very rare for him. He did it when he was alone, and surprisingly, it helped him keep a scary exterior.

Besides, with the nymphomaniac Orihime running around, he could use some time alone to soak up the vibes of himself.

Finally.

He belched loudly, breaking the calm silence of the room for a long moment.

"Damn, that tasted like tacos…" Gin muttered.

&

No one would ever know who did it, but some one slipped vast amounts of sugar into Ulquiorra's morning tea one day. He skipped around Las Noches for three days, singing random songs he had picked up in the living world.

"Oh no, we gotta go, we're not gonna live forever…why why, we gotta die, you know that we'll be together…hey hey, we got to say, I could never be a saviour…you don't have to be there, cause I'm never never never, coming home!" He sang as he darted through the halls like a midget gray blur.

"I feel good, na na na na na na na! I knew that I would, na na na na na na na! So good, so good…"

"Cause you're everywhere to me, and when I close my eyes, it's you I see…"

"Gimme your hot white cum…"

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl…year after year…"

"I'm so ugly, but it's okay cause so are you!"

Ulquiorra seemed to begin to suffer apoplectic fits similar to the ones Aizen had been experiencing.

"I want to be the minority! Down with the moral majority!"

"Just sleep…just sleep!"

Stark pointed Ulquiorra out to Szayel. "What the hell is he doing? All the lame hits from all the lame living world people?"

"Sounds like it."

"I'm going back to bed."

"Wait—want to go get bagels?"

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

Ahh...last time I make Ulquiorra sing, I tell you what.


End file.
